Even before next week’s elections bring May regime changes, the RoundTable is delighted to report on innovations announced today.
First, we predict that everyone will win the election, returning City Council to its former quota of 18 aldermen (without a referendum) and giving us mayors and Township assessors to spare.
Sweeping changes are afoot at Streets & San: Street-sweeping regulations, which confused residents while enriching the City coffers, have now been simplified. When the wind is from the north, street sweeping will take place on avenues on alternate Tuesdays of odd-numbered months during hours ending in “n.” The reverse will hold when the wind is from the west. Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines.
The parking squad, perhaps the most efficient set of department employees in Evanston, will now monitor all parking spaces in Evanston remotely from an undisclosed site. No more Jeeps, no more gas – and they really can be everywhere at once.
The movers at Northwestern University are introducing a new program, “Salt in Every Shaker,” to all Evanston households. Expanding on the monetary contribution to offset the cost of the City’s new salt dome, the program should ensure tasty meals and spice up town-gown relations.
Near the top of the agendas for both School Boards will be the renaming of schools. Adhering to Evanston’s egalitarian spirit, each of Evanston’s 17 public schools will now bear the same name. In addition to the obvious economic benefits, (uniforms and school signs and stationery will be the same, and buses can just drop kids off at any school), the measure will eliminate competition between schools so as to focus it on our neighbors to the north.
The community will present a prize this year to a lucky Evanston gardner who has the most intense installation of plastic bags in trees.
Finally – relief for opponents of the Evanston skyscraper: The downtown tower has morphed into the downward tower. A 400-foot-deep structure, heated geothermally, will preserve the prized Church Street views and streetscape. With the New Madrid fault shutting down, the danger of provoking an earthquake will be minimal. If the University decides to build on that 80-acre parcel of prime lake-bottom property just off its present lakefill, the danger of seepage from Lake Michigan should be further minimized.
Some speculate that beneath those grassy lawns on Central Street, Emerson Street, Main Street and the former Kendall College property, the residential complexes have already been built, and, this summer a trapdoor will open, revealing these beautiful complexes – giving a new meaning to “underground economy.”
If you have read this far, you are probably on to the fact that we at the RoundTable are enjoying April Fool’s Day.