He Still Can't Commit - Evanston RoundTable

Dear Gabby,

At what age should I stop coloring my hair?

Signed,
Toning it down

Dear Toning,

When you start looking like Rudy Giuliani.

Dear Gabby,

The guy I’m dating is cute, smart, and makes me laugh until I have to pee. But he still can’t commit, even after two years of dating. Since I’m 35 and hoping to have kids someday, I don’t have all the time in the world. What would you advise?

Signed,
Impatient

Dear Impatient,

You have touched upon one of life’s great conundrums: want vs. get. What do we want in a partner, what do we need in a partner, and what have we been brainwashed to expect in a partner? What we want is easy! We want the looks of a model, the brains of a scholar, the humor of a comedian, the sensitivity of an altruist, the communication skills of a therapist, and the income of a mogul (who also happens to be politically aligned, good with income tax forms, able to put up shelves, and a snappy dresser). Ha! But as anyone who has ever suffered through spaghetti carbonara with a guy whose narcissism is bested only by his open-mouth chewing, dating doesn’t include a character menu. Would that it did!

Then, there’s timing, that slippery, cunning, cagey beast. It sounds like you have a great guy here, but the timing may be just plain crappy. In considering what you want to do with Mr. Wonderful-who-can’t-commit, you may have to start prioritizing what is most important to you. If having children is very important to you and not to him, then you have to make a very difficult decision. But first I would discuss your needs honestly and openly with him to see what he says. He may surprise you. What I wouldn’t do is assume that if you stay together, you will be able to change his mind over time. Then, you are asking for trouble. Spaghetti Carbonara may be better than you thought!

Dear Gabby,

My husband started using a C-PAP sleep breathing machine for his recently diagnosed sleep apnea. It’s wonderful, no more snoring and we both sleep really well. My husband is now waking up at 4:30 am, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to start the day.

I, however, wake up at 4:30 a.m. and think “great, I can sleep for 3 more hours!”

Is there something wrong with me?

Signed,
“Sleepy head”

Dear Sleepy,

Yes, there is something wrong with you. You haven’t trained your husband well! There is nothing worse than the zeal of a convert. (However, let me also add, no more snoring! Amazing! You are the envy of bleary-eyed spouses the world over.) Tell him not to make a sound when he stealthily leaves the room at 4:30 a.m. to run his half marathon, bike to Kenosha or cure cancer. He must figure out how to be as quiet as a cat, so that you can enjoy the sleep you so richly deserve. If that doesn’t work, just remind him what you were like when the kids were little and you were sleep deprived all the time. That should do it.

Dear Gabby appears in the RoundTable every Friday. Yes, Gabby is an advice columnist – but not just any advice columnist. Because that would be boring! Gabby combines wisdom with wit. And a pinch of snark. She is not a trained therapist by any means, but has seen and loved many in her day. Her aim is to make you think while she makes you laugh. Gabby welcomes all questions and queries and is only too happy to hear your opinion, no matter how much it may diverge from hers. Write to Gabby here.