Already have an account? Sign in

Sign Up

Sign up for our FREE newsletter today and have the latest stories from the Evanston RoundTable delivered directly to your inbox.

OR

By signing up, you agree to our Terms and Conditions.

Thank you for registering!

An account was already registered with this email.
Please check your inbox for an authentication link.

Become a member today!

For over 20 years, the Evanston RoundTable has met the needs of our city through its award-winning journalism. Help us build a sustainable nonprofit source of trustworthy journalism for our community - become a member today!

$
$
$

Your contribution is appreciated.

Sign up for our free newsletter and have the latest stories from the Evanston RoundTable delivered directly to your inbox.

  • Sign In
  • CITY NEWS
  • SCHOOLS
  • ART & LIFE
  • PUBLIC SQUARE
  • SPORTS
  • BUSINESS
  • CALENDAR
  • PHOTOS
  • GET THE NEWSLETTER
  • DONATE NOW!
  • About us
  • Advisory Committee
  • Donate
  • Advertise
  • Join the RoundTable team
  • Evanston History
  • Reparations
  • Evanston Rules
  • Read us on your mobile device
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter
  • RSS
Skip to content
Evanston RoundTable

Evanston RoundTable

Evanston's community newspaper since 1998

Sign In
Posted inArt & Life

My friend has a savior complex

by Dear Gabby September 25th, 2021October 18th, 2021

Share this:

Sign up for our free newsletter to have Evanston news delivered directly to your inbox every weekday!


Dear Gabby,

My family friends often share a story about how they helped their neighbor escape an abusive relationship. They positively benefit by using this story to elevate their position in society and often reference how influential they were in this person’s escape, which seems too savior complex to me. What should I say when they bring it up next time? 

Signed,
Sick of this story

Dear Sick,

It seems to me that everyone tries to elevate themselves in the eyes of others. It’s just that some may be more obvious than others. Some people are name-droppers, some are know-it-alls, and some may even undercut others with, ironically, their humility. Human nature can be a bitch. The question here is, when, if ever, do we have a right to say something to another person about their self-aggrandizement? 

If it were my husband, I would come right out and say, “when you tell that story over and over again, it sounds like you are trying to make yourself into a saint and it’s a little nauseating.” With a friend, though,  it could be tricky. I would love it if we could all speak so plainly to one another and maybe you are someone who feels comfortable saying something like that to a friend. But it could also open Pandora’s box. Do you have all of the facts of the story? Is this a person who may be open to your feelings about their savior complex? Are you prepared for this friend to be angry and offended? 

If this is a friendship you value, you can try and talk about your frustration. Or you can choose to accept them knowing that this is your friend’s narrative, warts and all. If that seems impossible to you, get some distance from this friend and see how you feel over time. Like any relationship, friendships go through phases and the idea is to ride the surfboard up and down with the waves, to try and avoid the wipeout.


Dear Gabby,

I’m in my late 20s and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. We haven’t had sex in this relationship, but I’ve had sex before. Because we waited so long, I’m worried it will be a big deal at this point. To be honest, I don’t feel like I’m missing anything. What do I do, Gabby?

Signed,
Waiting

Dear Waiting,

It may indeed be a bigger deal the longer you wait but a) it sounds like you’re perfectly happy sans sex with your new boyfriend – nothing wrong with that! And b) if you are worried that the relationship-sans-sex-sich is going to make things awkward, there is only one way to diffuse that, and that is to talk to him about it. 

My guess is that that conversation, awkward though it may feel when you think about it, will be a breath of fresh air for both of you, and you will walk away from it feeling so, so, so much better. There are a zillion reasons why people have sex and just as many why they don’t. And sex/no sex, potato/potahto, it’s all perfectly fine. You do you and others will do others.

The important thing here is that you are in communication about it. If you’re both happy, then in the words of the late, great Fats Waller, when it comes to having sex or not having sex, “Tain’t Nobody’s Biz-ness if I Do”! (Before you write in, I know he did not write that song but he did sing it. He also sang “Your Feet’s Too Big,” “You’re Not the Only Oyster in the Stew,” “It’s a Sin to Tell a Lie,” “All That Meat and No Potatoes” just to name a few.) Fats knew what he was talking about!


Dear Gabby,

My mother moved in with me and my husband during COVID so she wouldn’t be lonely. Now that we have all been vaccinated, how do I politely ask her to leave without offending her?

Signed,
Dutiful daughter

Dear Dutiful,

How about:

“Hi mom! It’s been wonderful to spend so much quality time together during COVID. Now that everyone is vaccinated, how about you come for the weekend next month and we can reconvene the party for a few days?”

Or,

“Hi mom! It’s been so much fun having you here during the last 18 months. Now that we’re all vaccinated, Joe and I would like to get back to our old rhythms and habits. Let us help you move your stuff back to your apartment and let’s plan for our next get together…..”

Hopefully those will work. Hinting only goes so far sometimes. But gentle confidence should do the trick. Unless you’re worried about the Delta. Or Lamda. Or Mu…..


Dear Gabby appears in the RoundTable every Monday. Yes, Gabby is an advice columnist – but not just any advice columnist. Because that would be boring! Gabby combines wisdom with wit. And a pinch of snark. She is not a trained therapist by any means, but has seen and loved many in her day. Her aim is to make you think while she makes you laugh. Gabby welcomes all questions and queries and is only too happy to hear your opinion, no matter how much it may diverge from hers. Write to Gabby at news@evanstonroundtable.com.

Become a member of the Roundtable!

Did you know that the Evanston RoundTable is a nonprofit newsroom? Become a member today to support community journalism!

$
$
$

Your contribution is tax-deductible. We appreciate your support!

Dear Gabby

Dear Gabby appears in the RoundTable every Monday. No question is too serious, too silly or too snarly for Gabby, who combines wisdom with wit and a pinch of snark. Her aim is to make you think while she... More by Dear Gabby

Latest News

  • Update: CTA lines back after power loss and evacuation on Yellow Line – cause unknown January 27th, 2023
  • Latest news from Evanston: Your Friday daily digest January 27th, 2023
  • Born into Evanston basketball, Zuri Ransom is now a star of it January 26th, 2023
  • Rats, safety dominate Eighth Ward community meeting January 26th, 2023
  • The story behind Evanston’s ‘Stitch’ January 26th, 2023

Trending

  • Rent hikes displacing tenants in city's southeast section
  • Police: After armed altercation, second incident on Crawford was case of mistaken identity
  • Metal detectors, academic gaps, teacher morale: Q&A with ETHS Superintendent Marcus Campbell
  • The story behind Evanston's 'Stitch'
  • Evanston police get major pay boost under new contracts 
  • Second ward weighs Ryan Field and redistricting
  • D65 plans community meetings for Fifth Ward school project
  • Born into Evanston basketball, Zuri Ransom is now a star of it
  • Harley Clarke mansion lease ‘built on quicksand’
  • Art Makers Outpost enlivens south Evanston
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter
  • RSS
  • Home
  • City News
  • Schools
  • Art & Life
  • Public Square
  • Sports
  • Community Calendar
  • Reports & Analyses
  • Obituaries
  • Submit an obituary
  • Podcasts and video
  • Reparations
  • Evanston History
  • Our mission
  • About us
  • Board of Directors
  • Advisory Committee
  • Diversity, equity and inclusion
  • Become a member
  • Get the newsletter
  • Read us on your mobile device
  • Submit a letter to the editor
  • Advertise with us
  • Contact us
  • Evanston RoundTable privacy notice

The Evanston RoundTable is the community’s leading source of news about local government, schools, civic and artistic activities, and other important issues facing our city. We seek to foster civic engagement and empower people to address complex issues facing our diverse community, promoting a better understanding and appreciation of people of all races, ethnicities, and income levels.

Evanston Roundtable
1514 Elmwood Avenue
Suite 2
Evanston, Illinois 60201
847.864.7741

© 2023 Evanston RoundTable Media NFP. Proudly powered by Newspack by Automattic Evanston RoundTable privacy notice
I don't have an account I already have an account

Sign In

We've recently sent you an authentication link. Please, check your inbox!

Sign in with a password below, or sign in using your email.

Get a code sent to your email to sign in, or sign in using a password.

Enter the code you received via email to sign in, or sign in using a password.

Sign in with your email

Lost your password?

Try a different email

Send another code

Sign in with a password

OR

By signing up, you agree to our Terms and Conditions.