Dear Gabby,
A few weeks ago I woke up to my roommates talking negatively about me. They were struggling to get rent together, and I woke to hear them talking about my financial situation and basically how I have “no problems and should help,” which isn’t true. I wish I had the money they assumed I did.
Anyways, I confronted them about it and there was no apology, they just got extremely defensive. (They went to college together and are best friends. We moved in together this past September.) Since then, I realized they aren’t my friends like I thought, and I have sort of shifted my focus and energy elsewhere. One of my roommates still won’t make eye contact with me, and now I don’t like entering a room when both of them are in it.
Our lease runs till next September. I’m not sitting in bitterness, I’m just a bit disappointed. I’m from the East Coast and had a different life experience than them. They haven’t asked me many questions about my experience and so they don’t know me well, which is apparent to me. How do you suggest I deal with the stress of this?
Do I Stay or Do I Go?
Dear Do I Stay,
Why do some people make life so much harder than it has to be? I am often split between believing that most of the people on the planet are basically good and believing that people are just the worst. The worst! Perhaps both are true at once and we just don’t like having to hold two opposing ideas in our heads. But, to your question, your roommates sound awful. I am assuming that they thought you should pitch in above and beyond your normal share of the rent on that fateful day when you awoke to their bad manners. If you have paid your fair share, you are under no obligation to pay more.
I am so sorry that you are in such a difficult situation, as living with people with whom you have that level of tension is extremely stressful. This is your home and you should be able to relax there, not watch your blood pressure go sky high. Since they have already demonstrated their defensiveness, I would say that this is entirely on them and if you choose to try and smooth things over to lessen the tension, your expectations should be low. Nevertheless, worth a try – possibly.
As always, ‘tis better to strike while the iron is cold and wait for a time when everyone seems in an OK, low-key mood. You can start with empathy, even if you feel none. Pretend empathy. Perhaps you can start with, “I know last month was a tough one financially and that you were hoping I could kick in some extra money but my situation is not what you may be assuming. Let me explain (not that you owe them an explanation)…” or “Is there something you guys would like to talk about because I am sensing a lot of tension in the apartment….” or, “This just seems silly that there is so much tension between us. How can we solve this together?” or, “Would you guys like to make dinner together on Sunday night?”
If any of these are met with more defensiveness, it is time to sublet if at all possible, hopefully to someone in a heavy metal band who needs a place to rehearse. If that doesn’t work, cook nothing but cabbage, cod and cauliflower. That should do the trick!
Dear Gabby,
I am a young single person in my office where most people are coupled and or have young children. The people with young children get so much more flexibility with work-from-home hours, they’re never asked to work nights and weekends, and it is assumed that I will/can do it. They just assume I have nothing in my life! I need to set work/life balances. How?
What am I, chopped liver?
Dear What Am I,
You are one hundred percent right. I also had this problem when I was young and single and every two weeks or so, someone on our staff had to work until 9 p.m. Except the people with little kids! Which meant the singles had to work late more often and I gotta tell you, it burned my ass.
Of course then I had children and I have to admit I was grateful for the unfair rules! Bad me. I believe that your only recourse is to gather the other single people in the workplace and go to management together to make your case. They may be unaware of how you all feel or there may be extenuating circumstances that you are unaware of. Better communication is almost always the key.
Good luck! My last piece of advice is, don’t get married just to avoid nights and weekends because once you’re married, you’ll want to work those nights and weekends as often as you can!
Dear Gabby,
My older sister wears my clothes without asking, gets them dirty and then doesn’t give them back. It’s so annoying! What can I do?
I’m not Marshall Field
Dear My Name,
This is a problem for your parents, not you. However, if they continue to drop the ball, two can play at this game! If access to her clothes, jewelry, etc., is off limits because her door is always closed, here is a harmless practical joke that may do the trick.
I invented this in college to get back at someone for a joke they played on me. For a few days, I popped a lot of popcorn and secretly stored it in a few garbage bags, which I hid. Then, late one night, I taped newspapers (which were themselves taped together) across the entire door frame of their room. In between the door and the frame, I poured the popcorn. I did this all the way up the door so that when they opened it in the morning, popcorn flooded the room. Not bad, right? Pointed, but harmless! Devious, meet more devious. Let the force be with you!
Dear Gabby appears in the RoundTable every Monday. Yes, Gabby is an advice columnist – but not just any advice columnist. Because that would be boring! Gabby combines wisdom with wit. And a pinch of snark. She is not a trained therapist by any means, but has seen and loved many in her day. Her aim is to make you think while she makes you laugh. Gabby welcomes all questions and queries and is only too happy to hear your opinion, no matter how much it may diverge from hers. Write to Gabby at news@evanstonroundtable.com.