Dear Gabby,
I had to wipe my hands on my apron to write this. I am having people over for dinner, some of whom are vegetarian. So I planned a beautiful mushroom lasagna and am in the middle of making it. It will be delish! However, time is short and I only now realized that I don’t have the vegetable bullion the recipe calls for but I do have chicken bullion. … Can I use it? If I had a choice, I wouldn’t, but I’m in a pinch.
I Think I’m the Chicken
Dear Chicken,
By the time I answer your note, you will have already decided for yourself, so I will say this: you are obliged to honor your friends’ dietary choices when you invite them into your home for a meal. If running out to get the essential item would delay getting dinner on the table, I’m sure your guests wouldn’t mind eating a little later. We all slip up in the kitchen and even more often in the grocery store, buying the wrong ingredients or forgetting ingredients all together (if I had a nickel!). So I totally get how you could wind up in this predicament. Having said that, what happens in the kitchen stays in the kitchen!
Dear Gabby,
A really good friend of mine is choosing not to get the COVID vaccine because of some spiritual beliefs that I don’t fully understand. What is the best way to handle this situation? I feel like I want to respect her wishes and beliefs but think it’s really selfish and dangerous. When we talk it’s like there’s a big elephant in the room.
Zookeeper
Dear Zookeeper,
I hear your frustration and I second it. Unless you have a medical reason to opt out of vaccinations, everyone needs to get the jab. Since we all have to get vaccinated against measles, mumps, rubella, pertussis, polio, etc., as children, what is the big deal? More individualism versus the greater good. The greater good should always be at the front of our minds and actions (don’t get me started). Sorry, getting off the soapbox now!
My guess is that in all likelihood you will not be able to change your friend’s mind. Perhaps if you are open to hearing about her spiritual beliefs, she will be open to scientific evidence about why vaccinations are so important. If that doesn’t sway her, all you can do is set your own boundaries about whether you can/will spend time with her in person while she remains unvaccinated. Perhaps the pain and agony of not being able to see you may drive the point home. Or, sadly it might drive you home.
Dear Gabby,
What are your thoughts on girl friendship codes?
I had a best friend who disliked her husband for years but was hanging onto the marriage to get their child through high school. Surprise, surprise, her husband had an emotional affair that she discovered when their child was 13. When my friend found out, she went berserk.
She expected me to turn against her husband with rage that matched her own and to support her unconditionally. I was torn between being a good friend and being faithful to my own truth, since I thought she had also been at fault. When I tried to suggest she had contributed to his looking elsewhere, she was defensive and livid. I apologized numerous times but, in the end, I felt I could no longer trust her.
Now, five years later, her child is going off to college and she wants to rekindle our friendship.
What do I do?
Is honesty really the best policy?
Dear Honesty,
Excellent question!
To your first query, I have oodles of thoughts on girl friendship codes including: don’t flirt/sleep with their partners, past or present, always say “you look amazing!” except when they are trying on something that looks terrible and then say, “I don’t think it’s you,” and carry chocolate with you at all times. Having said that, not all girlfriends are perfect. But lots of them are.
To your last query, let’s just say that honesty is usually the best policy. The real truth is that we all lie all the time … to keep the peace, to preserve relationships, to save our own reputation. Absolute, unconditional support is not a girlfriend code written in stone and brought down from Mt. Sinai. It’s not wrong, it just depends on what works in your specific friendship. Personally, I would rather a respected friend be honest with me, even if I disagree with them and/or what they say may be hurtful to hear. “I disagree with you” is not the same as “I don’t like you” or “I don’t respect you” and they are often confused to disastrous effect.
Some of this equilibrium also depends on how the message is delivered. Starting with an opener like, “Do you want my honest opinion?” or “I’m not sure this is what you want to hear but…” or “Are you open to some constructive criticism?” or even “You know I love you to the moon and back but I think you may have missed the boat on this one” can be the sugar that makes the medicine go down.
It sounds like some time has passed since you two have been in touch. Are you feeling more kindly toward her? If so, why not see if the old friendship can be rekindled? Good friends are worth their weight. But If you’re still feeling less kindly, you can tell her that you found the ending of your friendship unsettling and you need to talk over what happened with her. Or, if you have zero interest, you could tell her that it seems like you guys are in different places and may have trouble finding common ground. Maybe by now she’s had a chance to reflect. Hopefully not like Narcissus in the pond.
Dear Gabby appears in the RoundTable every Monday. Yes, Gabby is an advice columnist – but not just any advice columnist. Because that would be boring! Gabby combines wisdom with wit. And a pinch of snark. She is not a trained therapist by any means, but has seen and loved many in her day. Her aim is to make you think while she makes you laugh. Gabby welcomes all questions and queries and is only too happy to hear your opinion, no matter how much it may diverge from hers. Write to Gabby at news@evanstonroundtable.com.
Regarding Dear Gabby’s advice for the cook who wanted to use chicken bullion in a recipe for vegetarians. All was going so well in the response until the last line. Simple answer – no, it is not okay to sneak in animal products when cooking for a vegetarian or vegan. As a vegan, I would be horrified and feel betrayed by anyone who thought this would be all right. Whether our choice to not eat animals or animal products is due to health/ethics/spirituality/environment, it should be respected – if you can’t, then please do not invite me for a meal . I agree with Jean in an earlier comment; not cool or funny.
Worst advice ever on the. Not telling your guests about something you know they are not ok with. You owe an apology and reversal. Not cool or funny.
Don’t use salt-laden bullion, chicken, or vegetable. Just place some celery leaves, small chopped onion, and other stuff lurking in your fridge in a small pot. Perhaps add broccoli or cauliflower stalks etc. Cover with water, and boil for 15 minutes. Much quicker than running to the store.