Dear Gabby,
My aunt sent me some wonderful treats from overseas, and I’d rather give my kids the clothes off my back than the soft, pillowy English muffins shipped all the way from the U.K. My partner, however, thinks that since we are a family, we should share all things. Does not sharing such luxuries make me a bad parent? Or do we all deserve some indulgences?
Signed,
Selfish but satisfied
Dear Selfish,
Others will no doubt disagree with me – that’s what makes the world go round – but I fall into the “we all deserve some indulgences, just for us and nobody else” camp. Now, if you want to share, by all means, break out the butter and have a jam-boree! But the idea that everything needs to be equal all the time is just impossible to maintain, mostly because things are not equal all the time, especially in a family.
At various times, different members need/want/get different amounts of (fill in the blank) food, toys, attention, etc. That’s life. I, for instance, have a daughter who wanted to bring 15 pairs of shoes to summer camp and a son who went to college with, literally, one pair of jeans. Go figure. Some kids are expensive to raise, others reuse tea bags. Some call you every day, some get in touch once a quarter. On it goes.
As a fierce protector of specialty food items that were gifts to me (ahem, dark chocolate anything), I say, think of those English muffins as your stack of Halloween candy that is yours and yours alone. You earned them (it’s your aunt! And they were sent to you!) and you should enjoy them. As I mentioned, sharing is great and would be much appreciated, I’m sure. But if you don’t, then hide them, mark them with a skull and crossbones, wait ‘til you’re alone (it would be rude to eat them in front of those who can’t partake), put on some music-to-eat-muffins-by, light some ceremonial candles, be grateful she didn’t send Marmite, and enjoy every soft, pillowy bite!
Dear Gabby,
I have a friend whose daughter used to be friends with my daughter. The family ended up moving to another part of the city, so we don’t see them very often. Recently, my family has been going through a very, very difficult time as both my husband and one of my children were diagnosed with cancer at the same time. My friend sent me a text, clearly the second of two, and even more clearly, not meant for me. It said, “and the dad has cancer too!”
Now, believe me, I get that news of our situation is very startling. I am still in shock myself. So I don’t blame her one bit for sending a text like that to a friend. I was not offended in the least. My question is: should I write to her and tell her she sent her text to the wrong person, which may mortify her, or not say anything, even though she may discover this in a week or two, and my writing could spare her future embarrassment?
Always check your texts
Dear Always,
I am so sorry that your family is going through such a difficult time. I hope everyone responds well to treatment, and that this will soon be in the rearview mirror. I appreciate the compassion you offer your friend, who will probably be mortified as you predict. But you needn’t feel obliged to take care of others, as others should be taking care of you right now.
It sounds like you want to tell your friend, in a subtle way, that you were not offended. Go for it! Whether she is relieved or embarrassed, it is a good reminder to look before hitting send. We have all been on both sides of that horrible, sinking feeling. Best I think to reassure her you are not offended. I’m sure she’ll be both mortified and grateful that you let her off the hook.
Dear Gabby,
My coworker just became a grandmother, and now everything she talks about at work is the baby, baby, baby. I get how excited she is, but how much are we all expected to care about how the baby slept and what color his poop is? I can barely take it!
Ready to go back to remote
Dear Ready,
As you have now learned first hand, many of us feel, when we are going through a big life event, that we are the first and only person ever to do so. As a result, mostly out of excitement, it can lead to oversharing, to say nothing of being unable to read the room. In these situations it can be tedious to have to listen to someone drone on and on, even if it’s about a very happy event like the birth of a baby.
But you don’t want to yuk your co-worker’s yum either. I would bet that you can politely excuse yourself from the conversation around the water cooler when things become too much for you. If you must endure this, say, in a meeting, just pretend to be taking copious notes and maybe start a long grocery list, an actual letter to a friend, or a novel (about a new grandma……)
Dear Gabby appears in the RoundTable every Monday. Yes, Gabby is an advice columnist – but not just any advice columnist. Because that would be boring! Gabby combines wisdom with wit. And a pinch of snark. She is not a trained therapist by any means, but has seen and loved many in her day. Her aim is to make you think while she makes you laugh. Gabby welcomes all questions and queries and is only too happy to hear your opinion, no matter how much it may diverge from hers. Write to Gabby at news@evanstonroundtable.com.