Dear Gabby,
I realize we live in a very wealthy part of the country, where many people have fancy cars, second homes, country club memberships, etc… However, why do some people feel the need to talk about their wealth in conspicuous ways when I haven’t asked them about it? One woman in particular finds ways to bring up her privilege at every opportunity. Recently, I commented on the lakefront, and she said, “Wow, the water looks great today. I wonder if I should take out our boat?” Or this comment when I didn’t ask her anything about her calendar: “I’m not here for the winter, I’m always in Florida.” I am not friends with this particular person, and it’s easy to walk away from her, but I’m tempted to tell her to get on her boat and sail away…..from me.
Thanks for your advice,
Rich in Opinions
Dear Rich,
Preach, girlfriend! I only wish I knew. Because I would be the first one to shove that boat offshore if she and everyone like her were on it. Once, someone wrote in asking a similar question about a friend who just one day said, “I have more money than I can spend.” Who says that?!?!? And who has more money than they can spend?!?!
You have hit a sore spot. I absolutely despise this kind of clueless, insensitive, narcissistic conversational bloodsucking. People who can’t hear how tone deaf they are drive me to the brink of insanity, and there are a lot of them, many of whom are blood relations.
I must reiterate to readers everywhere: know your audience! I believe people who do this are feeding some deep-seated need to feel superior, born, of course, out of deep-seated insecurity. Also, they are just plain boring. Next time she wonders if she should take her boat out, say “Only if you promise never to return.”
Dear Gabby,
I have a wonderful friend, I’ll call her Natalie. She’s timid about reaching out, and as a result, never initiates get-togethers. If too much time passes since she’s last seen me, she thinks it’s too late to reach out. I walk with her weekly, and I love our time together. But, having to make all the plans is driving me crazy. I don’t think she realizes this is a weight on my shoulders, so how can I kindly let her know it’s too much?
It’s Exhausting
Dear Exhausting,
I would suggest simply saying to Natalie after your next get-together, “This was so much fun. Glad my planning paid off. How about next week, you pick the activity and surprise me. I would so look forward to it!” Or even, “Let’s plan our next activity next week when we walk. We can both come armed with ideas.”
Finito! Hope that lightens your load!
Dear Gabby,
I am thinking about downsizing and moving out of the home in which we raised our children. It is filled with color and personality. I know that realtors usually recommend that you take everything off the walls and paint everything a neutral color, but that just seems ridiculous to me. Can’t people use their imagination? That’s what I had to do when I moved into this beige palace, so I filled it with color. I’m sure the realtors know what sells better than I, but still, I hate the thought of it.
Resisting the Eggshell Walls
Dear Resisting,
Since I am not a realtor, I am going to defer to one, should they choose to write in and answer your question with any kind of authority (please do!). However, being ignorant of a subject has never stopped me from sounding off about it before, so, why start now?
My guess is that when people walk into an uncluttered, neutrally-colored space, they view the space as a blank canvas on which they can imprint their personality. Visions of upholstery swaths and sofa throws start dancing in their heads. Which makes it more appealing and thereby more likely to sell.
But what do I know? I say, consult a real realtor, and if they tell you to whitewash your home, give yourself time to grieve the loss of that space, and then invite your children to come back and draw on all the walls, like they’ve always wanted to, before it becomes an homage to ecru. That will mark the end of your family’s relationship with the house and the beginning of a new chapter. Hope it ends up being a very profitable one!
Re: privilege – I heard the expression, “Assume innocence” years ago. I have two good friends and some relatives for over 50 years who are clever with money, married well, and have a wealthy life. If the one with an ocean-going yacht said, “should we take the boat out today?” that is exactly what she means. She isn’t trying to diminish me. The one with a champion dressage horse (in Florida for the winter) and a full-sized arena tells me about her horse every time we talk because he is her life. I am glad to hear about her trials and triumphs. They know my financial status, and still there are plenty of grounds for a rich friendship. I don’t mean to sound preachy and apologize in advance if I do. I think some wealthy people are show-offs (more money than I can spend with all the hunger and homelessness in the world) and some are just being who they are.
I am not a realtor either but gave up on the house search for the time being. Walking into a house with walls colored bright red, dark blue and in one instance black made me do a calculation of how much it would cost to have the walls taken out, new drywall installed, and new paint in a neutral color to match our art collection. Not only would this cost a great deal of money, but it would take months to even find the professionals to do the work. The same goes for dark cabinets in the kitchen, dated appliances and unfinished basements. The other situations that turned me off when searching for a small house in Evanston were power strips everywhere, no place to put a kitchen trash bin except out in the open, poorly maintained yards, trees that needed pruning – The list goes on and on.