Dear Gabby,
Last year, a family friend sent us a gift basket for the holidays from Zabar’s, the famous deli in NY. Truthfully, we thought it was overpriced and underwhelming. Our friend just called and said, “We want to send you something for the holidays, and we were thinking about a repeat of the Zabar’s treats, that is, assuming you liked them…..” I was completely caught off guard and didn’t know what to say since, in fact, we didn’t like them.
What should I have said? On the one hand, I’m sure she wouldn’t want to spend money on something we didn’t enjoy, but on the other hand, isn’t it a little rude to say we didn’t like her thoughtful and expensive gift?
Grateful, but….
Dear Grateful, but….
This question comes up again and again in some form or another. How nice it is that we are the recipients of so much good will! However, I totally get your point, and I tend to always err on the side of honesty here. Difficult though it may be, I believe the giver would prefer knowing which gifts hit the spot and which miss the mark.
Now, if the giver doesn’t ask, I don’t think you have to call them up and say, “Hey, Gladys, you know that beautiful rhinestone tea cozy you gave me for my birthday? I’d have preferred a Cote du Rhone circa 1986!” Because obviously, that’s just tacky and rude, and you were not raised in a proverbial barn.
But if the giver asks, you should be gently honest: “Gladys! Thank you so much for that very generous Zabar’s gift basket. It was so thoughtful of you, knowing our New York roots. To be honest, some of their products don’t travel well and may not be worth reordering. No need to send anything, your care and loving spirit are enough to sustain us this winter!”
If Gladys says, “I insist!,” then you can always say, “Well, the kids love (fill in the blank)…” And you can send her a picture of your family enjoying her gift in the gigantic, gold-leafed, 3D thank you note you sent her, right after you’ve called her to kvell about how wonderful her gift was.
Dear Gabby,
Our daughter is about to have her eighth birthday. She has one best friend and wants to invite her over to spend the night, celebrating with a movie, cake and ice cream. My daughter is quiet – she loves to read and paint and play pretend. Her friend is the same way. My husband insists that we throw her a big birthday party complete with a bouncy house and, get this, a DJ for a dance party! I’ve tried to talk to him, but he seems immovable. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that he was shy and a little nerdy as a boy. All I know is that our daughter would hate it. Any advice would be appreciated.
Signed,
What is he thinking?
Dear What,
He is thinking about what is best for him, period. You have to sit him down and explain it this way: he is way too invested in this party and can’t see the forest for the trees. But from your more dispassionate viewpoint, you see a train wreck about to happen, and he is the one in the engineer’s seat, wearing the striped cap, driving the train and pulling the whistle, toot, toot!
Parenting is all about actually acting like a grown up and separating your desires from your kid’s desires. Your daughter is a fully developing person, not just a shorter, smaller version of you.
If that doesn’t work, tell him that this is quite possibly the catalyzing event from which all her problems will spring, problems she will be recalling in therapy 10, 20 years or maybe next week. And we know who will end up paying for the therapy, don’t we? So think of doing the right thing as a money saver! Ditch the big party, the DJ and the bouncy house, and think about giving your husband a gift instead…it takes about fifty minutes a week with a licensed professional.
Dear Gabby,
I just found out that one of my closest friends in the world, who I’ve known since high school (I’m 63) and share everything with, received a terminal diagnosis over a year ago and is now very sick. For the last year we have talked regularly and seen each other whenever possible. She never said anything. I am heartbroken that she is suffering, that she has been dealing with this alone and that we will lose her soon.
I know I could have helped, whether by talking, taking her to appointments, cooking or just sitting with her. So much time is now gone. I am just stunned. Flabbergasted. I don’t want to say anything to her except “I love you,” but I’m also a little angry, if I am honest. What can I do with these mixed-up feelings?
Signed,
At A Loss
Dear At A Loss,
Let me first say, I am so sorry about your friend and her illness. Nothing about a terminal disease is fair and even less is easy. You have been thrown for a catastrophic loop and it is completely understandable that you would feel upset and angry, at the situation and even at your friend. You are entitled to your feelings, and they don’t make you a good or a bad person. They come and go like clouds and should be examined and then, if possible, let go.
Now let’s try and see what your friend might have been thinking. She may very well have been trying to spare the people closest to her the burden of knowing she’s ill. I could see wanting to avoid the attention, sadness, pity and even good intentions of people while trying to cope with such a diagnosis. Sometimes in situations like these, the sick person feels like they have to emotionally “take care” of all the shocked people around them.
Perhaps she just wanted life to be as normal as possible for as long as possible. Surely she’s allowed that, even if it meant hurting people’s feelings in the process. Try and remember that none of us knows how we would react to such debilitating news, we just think we do.
In the meantime, it sounds like you still have time to be the best friend you can be, even if it means, as you said, doing nothing but sitting with her. You’re both lucky to have had such a long and meaningful relationship with one another. Enjoy it for as long as you can.
Dear Gabby appears in the RoundTable every Monday. Yes, Gabby is an advice columnist – but not just any advice columnist. Because that would be boring! Gabby combines wisdom with wit. And a pinch of snark. She is not a trained therapist by any means, but has seen and loved many in her day. Her aim is to make you think while she makes you laugh. Gabby welcomes all questions and queries and is only too happy to hear your opinion, no matter how much it may diverge from hers. Write to Gabby at news@evanstonroundtable.com.