Dear Gabby,
How do you tell a colleague that others don’t like her? She’s a bit snobby, entitled and basically arrogant.
Champing at the bit
Dear Champing,
So who died and made you king? Since being a bit snobby, entitled and basically arrogant is not a fireable offense, you would do yourself a favor if you zipped it! If these were fireable offenses, the workforce would be immediately reduced by half.
Newsflash: people generally don’t take kindly to being randomly criticized by others, and unless “behavior police” is part of your job description, this could end badly. Of course if you are in HR and there have been many complaints about specific episodes involving this colleague, there are appropriate actions to be taken.
Otherwise, I would just avoid this person as best you can. If you must vent your frustration, maybe keep a small punching bag in your office, but do not tell your colleague that others don’t like her.
Just who is the arrogant one in this situation?
Dear Gabby,
Recently, we found out that my 10-year-old dog has cancer. We were heartbroken to hear this news. We are now considering getting a puppy after our dog is gone, and I shared that news with my sister, who is a narcissist and can be very difficult.
She went into a long diatribe about how bad an idea it is to get a puppy – because it is so much work, because my daughter, who will be going off to college, may have a hard time leaving a new dog, etc.
Even though I raised this dog from a puppy and know exactly how much work it is, even though I am in my 60s and can make informed decisions for myself, I nevertheless said, “You make some good points, I’ll think about them before we make a decision.”
But that wasn’t enough for her – she then launched into a 20-minute diatribe, saying among other things, “I can tell that you’ve already decided to get a dog, even though I can assure you it’s a mistake.”
The nerve! She thinks her advice is written on two tablets and handed down from a mountain top. I was steamrolled, again. What could I have said to stop her?
Steaming
Dear Steaming,
First, I am so sorry that you will have to say goodbye to your beloved dog. That is a miserable experience, no matter how you slice it. Second, since you exhibited so much patience and grace as you listened to your sister’s first sermon, I would pat yourself on the back. That should have been the end of it.
But when she started in again, I would suggest cutting her off at the pass and just simply saying, “I heard your concerns and will bear them in mind. I prefer not to talk about it any more. Remember the penny candy store we used to go to as kids?” And if she has a problem with that, just keep repeating yourself.
Some people really can’t handle it when they are not at the center of everything. She sounds like one of those people. Good luck!
Dear Gabby,
My son just had an event for which he received many gifts. I make my kids write thank you notes as promptly as they can. But he is only 12, so it’s not perfect.
A few weeks after the event, my husband got a note from a dear friend who was a little steamed that he had spent a lot of money for a gift and had not yet received a thank you note. We were a little taken aback.
It turned out that the one thank you note that fell through the cracks was the one to a friend who was apparently sitting around waiting for it to arrive. I felt terrible but also a little resentful. I didn’t ask him to spend so much money, and the kid is only 12. We screwed up, I admit, but is it really that big a deal?
My son sent a thank you note immediately, which seemed to calm our friend. But also, is that the way you want a thank you note to arrive, because you made a stink about it?
At a loss
Dear At a loss,
What a conundrum! It’s too bad because this could have been handled so much better. I am also a stickler for making my kids send thank you notes, as it is the gracious thing to do.
The same with bringing flowers or candy or wine to someone who is serving you dinner or giving you a place to stay. I once made my son ride miles on a borrowed bike in a town he was unfamiliar with to find flowers for his host. He was pissed! But he came to understand the importance of these things, and his host was very touched.
Your husband’s dear friend sounds a little tightly wound. They could and should have written a note to you or your partner saying, “Hi Hazel, what a lovely event that was. I was so happy to share in the joyous occasion. I wanted to make sure that Jimmy received the gift I sent. If not, please let me know asap. If so, I hope he enjoys it!”
Done. It is clear that he didn’t receive a thank you note, but it is not so high and mighty and self important. Isn’t there enough to be upset about these days without adding a thank you note – from a 12-year old – to the heap??? Crimony!
Dear Gabby appears in the RoundTable every Monday. Yes, Gabby is an advice columnist – but not just any advice columnist. Because that would be boring! Gabby combines wisdom with wit. And a pinch of snark. She is not a trained therapist by any means, but has seen and loved many in her day. Her aim is to make you think while she makes you laugh. Gabby welcomes all questions and queries and is only too happy to hear your opinion, no matter how much it may diverge from hers. Write to Gabby at news@evanstonroundtable.com.