Dear Gabby,
I let my friend borrow my car, and he seriously damaged it (we’re talking 6K in repairs). This has been tricky to navigate because my friend is a grad student, working part time and finding it hard to make ends meet. With student permit/Visa rules, he’s not allowed to work full time.
Apparently some red tape has prevented his paychecks from going through, and he’s now in conflict with his roommates for owing his share of the utility bill. It seems like financially, things have never been worse for him. I’m in a better financial situation, but frankly, not by much. I was able to repair the car with help from my parents and am now just asking my friend to pay 1K back when he can.
Here’s the thing – since the car damage happened, every time my friend tells me he went out for coffee or bought something, I feel a gross and uncomfortable rage bubbling up. I don’t want him to stop living just because he owes me money, and I don’t want to be the kind of person who lets money ruin relationships, especially since his ability to pay me back seems out of his control … At the same time I’m having a hard time keeping my cool around him.
Do you think it’s worth bringing this up? How do I present my feelings without it seeming like I’m wagging my finger, telling him to manage his finances better 
Car wreck
Dear Car wreck,
Money and friendships have never mixed well. It has, indeed, blown many friendships to smithereens. So let us think of a way to save this one from that terrible fate, shall we? First, let me just say, $6,000 in damages?!?! Whoa. That must have been some “incident.” I feel for both of you, as bad seems to be just getting worse. However, I have a suggestion.
Rather than having him pay you back the $1,000 whenever he gets it – a week, a month, a year, who knows – and you resenting every cup of coffee that crosses his lips, why not ask him what kind of timetable he thinks would be realistic to set up for repayments? Maybe it’s $25/month, maybe it’s $100/month. You guys can hash it out.
If you can agree to something reasonable, I think your rage will die down as long as he sticks to the schedule. Then you will both know what to expect. If he cannot repay you on schedule, then another convo is in order. Always, always better to say it out loud than let it fester, especially about things that are so black and white. Then you both keep your auto-nomy. Get it?
Dear Gabby,
This is going to sound weird, but here goes. I struggle with my weight and have forever. This is a source of a lot of conversations between me and a girlfriend who has similar issues. My problem is that every time she has me over for dinner, she cooks a very rich, high fat meal (that is delicious!) with an extravagant dessert, even though she knows I try not to eat those foods. When I have her for dinner, I make lots of veggies and lean protein and a light dessert (also delicious, I have to say). I feel she is being a little passive aggressive when it comes to my eating issues, as though she is sabotaging my efforts and saying, don’t be too successful, cause that would make me feel bad. Is there anything I can do, or should I let it go?
Subtle but not too…
Dear Subtle,
This is a game I believe many people play with each other, comparing bodies in ways subtle and not so subtle. My cousin used to always ask me what I weighed when we were in our twenties. So weird. Don’t get me stahted! If we could all just be a little more accepting, a little less hard on ourselves and a little more embracing of body positivity, we would all be a lot healthier. To say nothing of having SO MUCH more room in our brains for writing the great American novel or figuring out how to put a new transmission in our car.
While I normally advocate for open conversations about delicate subjects (see above), I think that this one may not be worth it, honestly. You may be right, or your friend may just love to cook rich food and may not care about weight gain at the moment (hello body positivity!). In any case, you will be confronted with heavy food on many occasions in your life, and this is just one more. You can always offer to bring a big salad or invite her over to your house more often, if that would make you feel that you had more options – or even suggest a restaurant where you are more comfortable eating. Your strategy in this situation has to be one that works for you, whether it’s intuitive eating, having a piece of fruit before you go, or saying “The heck with it, I’m gonna eat everything on the table.”
We all have our stuff. You do you!
Dear Gabby,
I live in a sunshine state. I have always been very active outside, and I have the wrinkles to prove it. It hasn’t been easy, but I have come to accept these wrinkles. They remind me of all the beautiful times I’ve experienced in the outdoors.
My problem is my sister who sends me articles and websites for “better looking skin.” I have told her that I am not interested, but she doesn’t hear it. She has been a “city person” her whole life, living in a metropolitan area where youthful looks are paramount. I don’t think she believes me when I say that I am trying to accept my wrinkles and my age.
This is affecting our relationship – I hope that we can grow old together companionably but we have such different views on the process. Do you have any suggestions?
Happy Yoda
Dear Happy,
I do have a suggestion. I think the next time this comes up while you are together, you should tell her exactly what you told me. That you’ve been an outdoors person all your life, that you have accepted the wrinkles you have and that you no longer want her to worry about them or send you articles, websites or products for skin care.
If she argues or keeps suggesting products, just repeat yourself. If that doesn’t help, then you must tell her that her not hearing you is getting in the way of your relationship. After all, is this about skin care or not being heard or respected? Maybe a little of both. Stick to your guns and congratulations for loving who you are. That can be a lifelong effort!
Dear Gabby appears in the RoundTable every Monday. Yes, Gabby is an advice columnist – but not just any advice columnist. Because that would be boring! Gabby combines wisdom with wit. And a pinch of snark. She is not a trained therapist by any means, but has seen and loved many in her day. Her aim is to make you think while she makes you laugh. Gabby welcomes all questions and queries and is only too happy to hear your opinion, no matter how much it may diverge from hers. Write to Gabby at news@evanstonroundtable.com.