Dear Gabby,
A good friend of mine visited with her daughter, partner, and partner’s daughter last summer. We all had a great time. They were in the process of moving to a very small, conservative town in Montana (three of the four of them are nonbinary) with plans to put down roots – for reasons I won’t go into here.
I told them that they should send their daughter to visit us sometime. They called me mid-winter to ask if I could host their daughter, 16, for a week over spring break. I happily agreed. She came, and we had a great time.
The problem is that as the daughter, I’ll call her Cindy, and I hung out, she told me some disturbing things about life at home … like her mom making her walk to school one day when she overslept, despite the minus 20-degree weather, even though they have a car, just to teach her a lesson. That was only one of many things that I felt were extreme.
Should I bring this up with my friend? Nobody likes to have their parenting questioned, but at the same time, my friend is very open and knows that at times she has made some very bad life decisions. Suggestions?
Hesitant but anxious
Dear Hesitant,
This is a tough one! When you say your friend is open, I wonder how she would respond to your questioning her decisions. I have one or two friends you could say absolutely anything to because they don’t take things personally and laugh at themselves a lot. If your friend is like that, talking bluntly could work. I also have a friend who is great at being very honest without being very offensive. Let’s try and combine the two and see what we can come up with.
First, it may help just to check the facts to make sure Cindy is a reliable narrator. I have no reason to doubt her, but still … Why don’t you call your friend after Cindy’s visit to check in and see how re-entry went. Maybe something like, “Cindy told me something that sounds a little crazy ….” or “How does Cindy normally get to school? What about in the super cold weather? Because she mentioned … ”
Remember, you’re not trying to scold her, you are just trying to say that teaching a kid a lesson cannot come at the expense of their physical or emotional health. She may even welcome your thoughts (if you are lucky!). You know your friend best. Dip your foot in the water one toe at a time and hopefully no drowning will occur. Let me know how it goes!
Dear Gabby,
My sister lived closest to our aging father when he was sick and required a lot of attention. My sister also had the most problematic relationship with my dad. Nevertheless, she is a former nurse and rose to the occasion. Now that my father has passed away, my sister’s resentment is bubbling up. I don’t blame her! But what can I do about it after the fact?
Wish I was there
Dear Wish,
Most people who harbor resentment and anger need mostly to be heard and acknowledged. It may not solve the problem, but it is a very big start. When you speak to your sister, listen to her without defensiveness or comment. After that, tell her that you completely understand her frustration and apologize for not being able to help more.
Keep listening, keep confirming. It may take a while. Ask her questions about all that she had to do, how much time it took, and the ways it might have taken away from other activities she wanted or needed to do. Listening and understanding goes such a long way. It can’t turn back the clock, but almost!
Dear Gabby,
My daughter received a piece of great news the other day that will set her on a path she is very excited about. We were all thrilled. But my other daughter, her twin, is going through a terrible break up, and to her everything looks dark and gloomy right now. Her sister’s good news didn’t help much. One kid feels like life is a bunch of blooming roses, and the other kid feels that it’s just a bunch of thorns. How can I help them?
Double Take
Dear Double Take,
It is so difficult to watch one kid go through a rough time while another kid is launching a new and exciting chapter. Truly sucks. But you cannot change the fact that life is bumpy and messy and rarely travels in a straight line. Both your children will have to learn what it’s like to be hurting when others are very happy, and how to be gracious when things are the other way round.
Your job is to listen and be there. The rest they will have to figure out on their own. I mean, of course, you don’t want to encourage the happy one to gloat, but we all have to figure out how to navigate gnarly circumstances. It’s too bad that all our problems can no longer be solved with a cookie and a nap! (Though it’s always worth a try.)
Dear Gabby appears in the RoundTable every Monday. Yes, Gabby is an advice columnist – but not just any advice columnist. Because that would be boring! Gabby combines wisdom with wit. And a pinch of snark. She is not a trained therapist by any means, but has seen and loved many in her day. Her aim is to make you think while she makes you laugh. Gabby welcomes all questions and queries and is only too happy to hear your opinion, no matter how much it may diverge from hers. Write to Gabby at news@evanstonroundtable.com.