Dear Gabby,
I have ugly feet. Bunions, hammer toes, toenail fungus, the works. And in my experience, people feel pretty free to comment on them! Now that it’s getting warmer, how do I go out in sandals without freaking people out or embarrassing myself?
A Feat for my feet
Dear Feat,
If someone is freaked out by your feet, use those extremities to kick them in the keister! We are who we are, Feat, and no amount of twisting ourselves into a pretzel will ever change someone else’s mind about us. I once had a young relative come to my home and give me a hard time about the single-ply toilet paper I buy, to which I said, “Really? I’m so sorry that my TP isn’t good enough for your a*****le!”
I guess some people feel that their opinions are worthy of all ears. Which says more about them than you, my friend, so I say buy yourself a cute, comfy pair of sandals and walk with abandon. Who’s looking at feet anyway? They’re all looking at their phones!
Dear Gabby,
My son is in his mid-20s and honestly, he is still finding himself in terms of a career and direction. He has met a woman who is a real caretaker and go-getter. I am worried that she will take care of him and boss him around, and then he’ll never figure things out for himself. I know I shouldn’t say anything, but inside I’m all churned up about it – and I don’t wanna be. But I can’t help what my insides do!
Butterflies
Dear Butterflies,
You may not be able to help what your insides do, but you can work on your reaction to those worries. Unhooking from that anxiety is the goal, and the method begins with: Don’t kick yourself about it. OK, so you’re worried about your kid. What parent isn’t? That’s OK.
Next, what do you do about it? Try to remember where you and your friends were at his age. There are many, many roads to Rome. Some are direct and some have many layovers. Most people get there eventually. And the 20s are often a time of trial and error. You don’t wanna be one of those people who peak in high school! After all, when you look back on all your early romantic relationships, what kind of movie are you watching? Comedy? Drama? Horror?
If all else fails, when your insides start bossing the rest of you around, I find it helpful to run around the block or organize a drawer. Your insides can be a bully, but they’re no match for you!
Dear Gabby,
I am in a creative line of work and once in a while, people ask me if they can send me something to read and, it is implied, give them feedback. I dread these favors because usually, to be honest, the work sucks. I don’t want to say the work sucks, yet I believe in giving younger people help after older people helped me in my career. Any ideas on how to be supportive but also honest?
No backbone
Dear No,
There is a classic structure for giving feedback that many people use and it is just like ABBA, the singing group. A is the good feedback, B is the critical feedback. So you start and end with something positive, and stuff the more critical feedback into the middle.
You can always think of something good to say. Just ask a high school English teacher. Plot, sentence structure, rhythm, word choice, descriptions, vividness, originality, universality, etc. Then, after you have pointed out something positive, in comes the critical: it’s cliched or lacks cohesion or doesn’t make sense or what have you. But there are also ways to massage comments … like, if it is incoherent, maybe this is the draft where this person just puked it out and it can be refined. When you are done being critical, you save something good for the end like, super original! Or, a real page turner! Or, great humor in this piece!
I agree that we owe something to those coming up behind us and on behalf of creative people everywhere, thanks for saying yes. Lastly, you can – and should – emphasize that you are just one person with just one opinion and one opinion should not be taken as gospel, which is completely true. One man’s War and Peace is another man’s Infinite Jest.
Dear Gabby appears in the RoundTable every Monday. Yes, Gabby is an advice columnist – but not just any advice columnist. Because that would be boring! Gabby combines wisdom with wit. And a pinch of snark. She is not a trained therapist by any means, but has seen and loved many in her day. Her aim is to make you think while she makes you laugh. Gabby welcomes all questions and queries and is only too happy to hear your opinion, no matter how much it may diverge from hers. Write to Gabby at news@evanstonroundtable.com.