Dear Gabby,
What do you say to a daughter who is emotionally immature? She has turned her back on her parents who have loved her and done everything to help her in life. She is now married and has four kids, who we do not see. But her in-laws are always there.
She won’t talk to us and explain why she is upset. Yes, there have been misunderstandings, but this is too far.
Trying
Dear Trying,
There are so many unknowns in your letter that it is hard to parse out what may be at play in your family dynamics, which sound both frustrating and heartbreaking. It appears a lot of time has gone by – enough for four kids to be born – with unspoken resentments and anger building up to the breaking point. Since there are always two sides to any story, you may feel that you gave her everything, and she may have a different interpretation of what went on years ago … it sounds like there is a lot to unpack.
If you have approached your daughter but made no progress in building back a loving relationship, it’s time to bring in the professionals. A good family therapist will help you figure out many things: what your daughter may be feeling or how you can put your relationship with her into a perspective, whether that’s approaching her differently, unhooking from the guilt you may be feeling, or processing through the sadness you may be carrying around.
It takes a lot of hard work to be in a family, any family. Good luck! I think you will be glad you put in the work.
Dear Gabby,
Every day when my husband comes home from work, he starts telling me about his day before he even takes his coat off. There could be a pot boiling over, a child writing on the wall with a Sharpie or a dog recently escaped from the yard – it doesn’t matter. He just goes on and on as though his words are pearls strung together to form vital information that everyone needs, not unlike the nuclear codes. WTF?
I may be antisocial, but I don’t think that what my colleague said to me around the water cooler always bears repeating. As he goes on and on, especially when the walls are about to cave in, I nod and smile but inside I am saying to myself, “I don’t give a f*%k!” Something tells me this isn’t the best method of marital communication, but I can’t help it. If I spoke up every time I was irritated, I would be talking as much as him!
Isn’t silence golden?
Dear Isn’t,
Silence is indeed golden. But you have spoken loud and clear and I hear you!
Sometimes I think that if I never heard another human being speak to me for the rest of my life, it would be too soon. But, as much as I hate to admit it, and believe me I do, this is not the best way to foster a feeling of connectedness. Obviously, you and your spouse have different communication styles, or at the very least, a problem with timing. No good communication can happen at the witching hour, between the end of work and the end of dinner. That time is reserved for chaos, mayhem and tearing one’s hair out.
I suggest telling your spouse, on a weekend, that no matter what he says to you during that post-work period, even if it’s all about the Bahamian vacation he plans to take you on or the diamond necklace he has on layaway, it’s going to make you want to gouge his eyes out with melon ballers and shove legos where they don’t belong.
His job at that point is to grab a child or a dishcloth and make himself useful. If this doesn’t sink in, leave town for a few work days during which he will have to cover for you at home. That should do the trick. Of course when men stay home to take care of the kids, they get a Nobel prize. When women stay home to take care of the kids, it’s called being a mother. Life ain’t fair, sister!
Dear Gabby,
My husband walks around the house singing “ O, o, o, O-z-e-m-p-i-c…” while casting sidelong glances in my direction.
I’m not sure if he’s trying to be funny — or otherwise?
Is he trying to send me a signal, Gabby?? What should I do?
Hint hint
Dear Hint hint,
You should walk around the house singing “V, v, v, V-i-a-g-r-a….”
Dear Gabby appears in the RoundTable every Monday. Yes, Gabby is an advice columnist – but not just any advice columnist. Because that would be boring! Gabby combines wisdom with wit. And a pinch of snark. She is not a trained therapist by any means, but has seen and loved many in her day. Her aim is to make you think while she makes you laugh. Gabby welcomes all questions and queries and is only too happy to hear your opinion, no matter how much it may diverge from hers. Write to Gabby at news@evanstonroundtable.com.